Protected: slowly but surely.

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i know my voice is silence to your ears.

i guess when the debris has settled, life goes on. everything goes back to normal. like as though things havent change.

hmm… 4 more days to decision day. i’m partially aware that my existance would of no significance to anyone so might as well take my leave. and sometimes, you need to learn to put yourself before others. but on the other hand, i start to question: “who am i really doing this for?”

on a totally different note, at times like this, family becomes your first priority and boys fall to category- nowhere. theres school tmr and im not interested at all. havent touch  a single homework nor pack my bag. what is becoming of me? or so i ask i myself.

anyway, if you should know. ytd took a lot of courage. but if me being nice comes off as me being excessively rude/intrusive then i think its time we change the rule of the game. after all, whats there to be afraid off? sooner or later it’ll show.

friends tell, not lie.
friends share, not hide.

they say in malay,
“sepandai-pandai tupai melompat, akhirnya jatuh ke tanah juga.”

(wow, my malay is still good. perhaps, i should put that on LJ.)

it’s time we do it the waldorf’s way. 🙂

on another random note, avril lavinge’s my happy ending is on somekind of repeat mode on poddie. somehow, that song have been relevant throughout any phase of my life.

“Let’s talk this over
It’s not like we’re dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don’t leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread”

alright, off to get some good rest and sleep for school. i am really not egcited. ): ciao.

that’s when i ruled the world

for some reason i cant explain….

 

im happy today. (:
i’m moving back to LJ soooon, i hope.

 

because if there’s one thing i hate, it would be liars and two faced cow heads. unfortunately, YOU fall into it.

oh, did i mention idiots without balls too?

yeah, that too.

 

xoxoxoxoxo.

this anniversary will never be the same

ohmygod.

thinking about it makes me feel so sick in the stomach. ):

i dont even want to think about it. but its like everytime i see a photo, or an sms, it’ll just flicker in my head like some annoying light bulb at the brink of its death. gawwwwwwwd. i hate you.

life is just so hard. why is that so? people who dont want things half as bad as you do gets all they want while what you want, you arent even close. im just sick of this kind of  life. half of me really just wanna give up but i know i have to pull myself together.

about *, i really dont know what happen. its like i feel so detached to it. like how can?? this is really the 1st time ever i serisously feel out of place and like i do not belong. i dont know if its really happening or its just the recent happenings. i feel like quitting but how do i let go? im at the crossroads. seriously. this time round, its either leave it or live it.

my thoughts are a mess and im just too darn lazy to sort it out. i want to feel happy as i did a few years back. ):

on a side note, meeting cousins today was the best. imah thanks for listening, and atiq too. loves!!

im tired. really i am. but i cant go to sleep.

dad sees me online at this hour, chatting with people and watching movies, i’ll be dead.

anyway, i dreamt that someone i didnt like died ytd. scary much. haha.

alright, off for some soul searching?

yeah, xoxo.

these are the days, these are the times…

just reached home not long ago. omg so so so so tireddd but as usual i cant sleep. ):

ok, so today we had econs test and ive come to my senses that my econs concepts are all over the place. time to hit the books man!!! maths was pretty torable today. summation is perhaps one of my favourite topics. i am seriously considering malay lit as for now. or rather H2 Lit.

anyway, skip the boring stuffs, sch ended at 1 and then off we went to SAS. i like the food there! i dont know why. besides, i realise i can get my pau there. hehe. thank god for the village. anyways, MCS rehearsal was filled with laughters! omg, damn funny!!! haha, im really kinda upset that come tmr, everything  will change.

rehearsal was a daze. changing outside CC to rush immediately for band and all that. band was err…. suckfest? yeah, i dont know.

went for more rehearsals and after that headed for dinnr @ macs with some of the peeps. hahaha, ibrahim broke a frame at macs. he looked too cool to be true. if you know what i mean. cabbed back home with hilmi, izzati and faizzin. DAMN TIRED.

personal record broken: not taking train/bus to and from school. hehe. feeling like a rich kidzzzz. so i took cab. hahaha. no lahh, i was late in the morning so yeahh.

hello eric, i hate you cos i missed the batch talk!! HAHAHA.

anyway, im glad that things are better off now. maybe its the distractions but im glad im over you and that things never looked so promising now than before. (: better in time.

alright, am gonna immerse myself in Secondhand Serenade songs. hopefully it’ll lull me to sleep.

xo.

i want you to know the things we used to know.

i cant sleep omgeeee.

i wanted to sleep like an hour ago. but i cant… ):

i dont like this feeling. its like somekind of emptiness. somekind of loneliness. rawr. must be the coffee this afternoon. i dont like. i tried listening to poddiee, tossing and turning. just doesnt work. i feel really irritated. wthhhhh.

it makes me feel restless. it makes me think. it makes me sad.

 

 

fuckkkk.

with great expectations.

hello, before i start, pls be happy cos i’ve completed my GP homework. yayyyy. xD

ok, anyway. i didnt go band today. shocker of the year much. =/

went to search for CNY Deco for class right after sch, cos it was my last available day!! rawr, so busy i dont like. headed home, did some housechores and completed my essay.

i feel so wrong/guilty/sad not going for band. but what.the.hell. i need a break seriously. haha, and i know i said i wont be updating here, but who cares. its my life, i do as i want.

to many classmates, sorry about my stoning and unexplainable silence today. so much occupied my mind.

firstly, this whole reality of retaining have really settled. now, its good. life feels so much more relaxed. but what about when the J1s do come in? competition, distractions i dont know whether i can handle it.

another issue, my subject combination. gawwwwwwd. most irritating part of retaining. H2 Maths or H2 Lit? ): i really really dont knowwwwww.  i feel so depressed.

then band. urghhhh. i dont know what to say about it but i just hope i can really rekindle some sort of flame/passion for it. i feel so incomplete when such a feeling arises. its like i dont want to feel like this but i cant help it. ): the worst part is that i dont know why the fuck im feeling like this.

to you you youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
life has been a downward spiral eversince we stopped talking, even worst when i _________________. it sucks cos i dont want to think about it but most of the time i cant help it. you said we can ________, but now? its like how ______ just shatter/dissappear and then it feels all to surreal. the worst is that when ________. it’s just fucking _____!!!! i swear i dont want to think about it anymore. but fuck it  _______.

go figure.

alright, as for now, econs beckons….
ciao.

and slowly things change.

didnt they tell you?

better in time.

there’s band tmr which means tmr’s suckfest rating have just officially increased to 9 out of 10.

MCS rehearsals have been the real reason ive been looking forward to school. being in band all my life, i’ve never got such a chance to work and play in a different kind of environment. the new friends made, the bond forged. im sure come friday, i’ll miss all of them.

school have been the usual. lessons a tad too mundanish and eversince sunday, ive spent most of time wandering and stoning.

i want to fall sick tmr, badly. ):

nothing is worth saying anymore.

TRUST.
sometimes you tend to open yourself and let people read into you too much. i dont know what to feel again.

i miss atiq, imah, renee, geylang mates, cheltton tan.

pls meet me up soon.

didnt you learnt your lesson?

ok, i know i said that i’ll be updating over at my LJ today. but i guess im not prepared and besides, i dont want to be vulnerable again just as i am about to revocer from somethings.

there’s school tmr and after all that have happened, ive took the whole of today, to bum around and to do some reflections. ive probably made some of the biggest mistakes last year and im determined not to repeat it- i hope.

just to remind myself, this year began on a note filled with illusions. nothing of it from the beginning was true. a false pretence, a fake facade. whatever you call it. it may be a disastrous way to start a new year but i thank god for making me realise my mistakes now, not later when im too deep in my own emotions for my own good. ive learnt and seen alot of the past year. i may have been stupid and impulsive in the many things that ive done but inside me, i constantly want to be a better man.

to friends, alot of  you have made this beginning somewhat tolerable. thank you.

renee, if you’re reading this, i miss you weirdly. 🙂
to my geylang mates, i already miss the laughters.

its good to spill out whatever i think here, away from the public. if for some weird reason you guys are wondering  why ive given you this link to my humble blog, to a selected few, i guess i trust you alot.(p/s:  i didnt start this blog with a list of people who can or cannot view my blog, hah. )

thank you izzati for the impromptu breakfast this morning. sorry i disrupt your sleep on a sunday morning. hehe. i love you and that you know words cannot express how much i truly truly appreciate everything from the first year we know each other till now. (L)

so to summarise, the weekends havent been that productive or fun. i admit i havent studied and im going back to my old ways of slacking and bumming around. but give me this grace period to sort out my thoughts and priorities. i’ll be better in time.

alright, i’ll stop here and i’ll see you when i do.

p/s: Gossip Girl ep. 15 made me cried. like wow. =/ i guess it was so much about how i was feeling in that moment and the eerie silent hour i watched it. 😦

p/s: thank you bryan. 🙂

xoxo,
H.

read, and you shall understand.

You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and… What I’m trying to say, Tristan is… I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I’d know it for myself. My heart… It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it’s trying to escape because it doesn’t belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I’d wish for nothing in exchange – no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.

-Yvaine, Stardust.